How to Get Your Crush's Attention

Need help getting your crush's attention? Of course you do! I laugh at you when your back is turned, and when it isn’t! Ha ha ha! Anyway, here are some tips and tricks to tip and trick them into being with you.

1. Release their information from before Witness Protection got ahold of them

Relationships are all about honesty!

2. Be their dentist

This one takes time, but after four years of college, passing your Dental Admissions Test, and completing an additional four years of school, you can get your crush’s attention by being their dentist! Why wait for oral?

3. Play hard to get

Nothing is more attractive to a prospective partner than them not knowing of your existence. Move across the city, state, country, continent or maybe the world! They’ll love your spontaneity that they were never aware of.

4. Set their house on fire

Show them they aren’t the only flame in your life!

5. Whenever you see them, scream at them to get out of your head

Your crush should know that they’ve been on your mind, and nothing is more flirty than screaming at them to “leave my unconscious alone, you monster, I can’t do this anymore!” from across the street. Let them know how you feel!

6. Offer to destroy their enemies

Oh, sorry, that was a typo. That should say “enemas.” Either way, destroy them. Destroy them all.

7. Run them over with your 2000 Chevrolet Lumina

Talk about a meet-cute! Nothing is sweeter than running over your crush with a car that’s efficiency is roughly equivalent to a tortoise with no legs and two and a half wheels attached to its shell trying to get to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. They’ll love your originality and spontaneity!

8. Write them a poem entirely in binary

Roses are red, violets are blue. 0111, not 0112.

9. Declare war on their home country

This is just like the warring emotions you feel when you see them. Do you want to hug them, or do you want to talk to them? Do you want to bomb their home country, or perhaps something more strategically planned?

10. Put a paper bag on their head

If you're in love, you should probably just make it plastic.

11. Ask them out to dinner

And by "dinner," I mean ask them to join your nudist colony.

Hopefully these helpful tips will get you the date of your dreams. Just remember that no matter what happens, I am not legally liable!